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You in your nothing
Beats the fly
So strange in your solitude
Who rise by your last dignity
To shit elsewhere
Than your bed
Though cigarette ash dusts
Your pillow
You await your doom
He says in abject shame
Warmed only by secret thoughts
Whose fear prevent
Their escape from your silenced tongue
What misery
Will break the day
What pain will mire the brilliance of your soul
What injustice obscures the life you are
Hope chained beyond your grasp
And mornings woke
Only for death’s grim shadow
Where has gone the joy of the child you were
Back to what quiet pool
Have those memories recessed
Forgotten by the urgency of your end
My pity for your beauty has eroded by your weakness and exposed disgust
A loathing that will surely strike you down
And condemn the miracle you refuse
...he wrote in a series of text messages to meMy Emotional Compass:  bitchy |
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Silence is death
i hold my breath
speaking has lost all meaning
feelings spin-careening
and i haunt myself
with bleeding lungs wrapped in bandages
and eyes pierced from inside
my heart's in fetal position
i sink into the burnt ashes
of starved passion
my sun eclipsed
by the shade of the pervading moon--
and i grieve.
The ghost of self-hate comes
running through the abandooned door of my
coffin throat
just as love slips out the gaping
gashes of my
hard to reach,
apple-eager
sweet-hungry
cloud-combusting
where does the heart go
solitary
soul.
~~~~a poem I wrote a few weeks ago when i was very sad, very frustrated with myself, and quite utterly alone. i was helpless to speak, refusing inviting arms, and afraid of trusting. i had forgotten the love i had reclaimed for myself with the refusal to own my expressions creatively, spontaneously, and willfully without social constraints, and self-limiting inhibitions. i had forgotten my right to speak, my worthiness of love, my thirst for water. my mouth is the most underrated system in my body... |
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So hectic. Late Papers. Finals. Burgers at Julia's. Dog parks. Moon walks. FridgeHenge. Eeriness. High school prom. Changing beds. Picnic at the dog park. Swings and bird perches. Hot showers. Storage. Cigs. Lots of Julia and Will and Kate. Himalayan lunch. More packing and working... |
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I love talking to Kate.
Today we met eachother at India House (walking), and it was closed.
So, instead, we walked to the Red Enchilada and ate sopaipillas and honey. YUMMMMMM.
Been there with her so many times. We talked AGAIN for maybe an hour or so, and then walked to One World Coffee shop or whatever it's called and talked the entire time going. I was telling her a story of my adolescence...hardly anyone asks me the details of that part of my life between myself and my mother and a certain young man. When we got to One World, we sat on the train tracks and finished telling eachother our stories on similar subjects. We talked about the psychology of our families, we talked about people who have degraded us, we talked about respect and communication and mothers and boys, we talked about love and affection and touch and what we want, we talked about oral fixations and pleasure languages, we talked about our childhoods and how our infant personalities and character traits still resonate today. Then we walked BACK to the college... overall, I believe we talked and told real stories of our lives for about 2 1/2 hours. It seems the more we know eachother, the more there is to find, the more there is to know. We never stop asking eachother about the depths of our lives. And of course we dualled eachother and pushed eachother around in playful little fights, slapping our feet up secretly against eachother's cheeks while we were walking side by side. You know, the kinds of things my Dad used to do to me when I was little.
I love talking to her. We have deep, unconfined, powerful connections. We are sisters, best friends, lovers, playful opponents, and mothers to eachother. We transcend all labels, and it's one of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced in my life. She's changed my life in a big way, that's for sure, and I love her so much. It's quite possible we may travel big places together someday (like So. America and Africa)...and have even more adventures. There's so much to do, so much to see, so much to help, so much to know, so much to discover. One possibility we've thought about for the future is having a radiotalk show together... because we talk so well to eachother, about so many things. Thus, why I love talking to her. |
| » Personality |
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What is it? What do you think it is? I'm writing a paper, and I have been dwelling on this question for a while now. I've read and studied the ideas of Freud, Adler, Jung, Maslow, Carl Rogers, R.D. Laing, Skinner, Watson, Wilson, Eric Fromm, Victor Frankl. Not all actually have a theory of personality, some just have a philosophy on human nature or on therapy. I have a humanistic, existential perspective on psychology and psychotherapy, while I am also drawn to Jung's idea of archetypes, individuation, and the adrogenous mind. I also believe in certain ideas of Freud as far as the structure of personality (conscious, subconscious, unconscious), but his pessissism and deterministic perspective on the individual's ability to overcome himself and his social conditioning bother me. I am in love with Victor Frankl, Fromm, Maslow, Carl Rogers, and Jung. These five, and also some Eastern influence, are the range of my beliefs on personality and human nature and therapy. I'm sure I will find more as I continue my exploration of philosophy and psychology and political science...
I have questions for you if any of you would like to answer these:
1) How do you define personality?
2) What do you think is a driving force in human nature? What do we strive for?
[answers from other psychologists: Freud--the libido/Id (pleasure principle), Adler-- self-assertion and power (inferiority complex), social interest, conformity and belonging, Maslow and Rogers--self-actualization, Existentialism--meaning in a meaningless world, Eastern philosophy and Jung--centeredness and balance within all sides of ourselves]
3) What are the characteristics of a "healthy" personality?
4) An "unhealthy" one?
5) What metaphor would you use to describe your theory of personality?
This is one of the only papers I'm actually excited about writing.
May. 8th, 2006 @ 07:53 pm
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| » Being |
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The moon shines over a dark, dry, and rocky terrain--I see his distant silhouette. He is standing over there, peering out atop the cliff. I'm over here, sitting against a rock, fields of cold still air accompanying me in a plane of Earth and Space. He doesn't know I'm here, and we are both paused in thought, two separate dots with tons of lines between us. We are planets in our individual orbits. He gazes into the grand Nothing and the silence of Night holds us in the pods of our own Beings. This is Being. The miles of molecules between us glimmer for an instant and now I am standing next to him, gazing outwardly with him. Our solid silhouettes are the only two upright Poles on the entire Plane of this thing called World. It is vast, and endless. Space is all-encompassing, and it defines us.
We are aware of each other, but words are never spoken. Time doesn't exist. Standing here in our Selves, we are always one and two with the world, one and two with each other. Without the Nothing, I would not be Something, and neither would he, so we are 1, 2, and 3 all at the same eternal time. We are whole, we are separate, we are different, and yet the same. We are together, but not. This is Everything we know, and we are aware of it. This is Being.
Still gazing into the Nothing, I move my hand from my side and hold it out to him. A gleam of change takes hold in his eye, but I don't see it. His hand reaches out towards mine, the ends of our fingers tingling with the slightest touch. We are far enough away from each other that our arms form a straight line between us...Our fingers are charged with something made from the stars, and palms ache to catch one another. We both turn towards each other finally, resting all four palms horizontally, flipping mine above his, then his above mine, until palms fix to each other and slide upwards towards the sky. Muscles massaging, our fingers grip, and we move closer to each other. We are Together. It feels as if we are all One now...but are we? We are all parts and wholes at the same eternal time.
(to be finished)
Apr. 22nd, 2006 @ 02:28 pm
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| » I think I can laugh about it now. |
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Last night was without a doubt, THE most humiliating, mortifying experience of my life. Yes, humiliating, as in humor, as in human .
And oh, a quote relayed from Chris:
"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise." --Robert Fritz
Apr. 19th, 2006 @ 05:53 pm
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| » Rumors |
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You know, it's amazing... that rumor about me is STILL going on and people who I don't know apparently LOVE to talk about me and mention my name for their own entertainment. I think it's so funny that they're so insecure and bored with their lives that they have to bring me into it; I should be payed for every time they say my name... maybe I would be rich! Everytime I hear that some ugly girl is sitting in a room saying things about me, or some insecure guy who maybe wants to feel better about himself for not having me, I point and laugh hysterically on the inside at their ignorance. I thrive with this rumor... I love that people are too stupid to think about what they're saying, and too empty to have anything more fulfilling and positive to do. This rumor has proven to be the best filter I've ever had in my life for expelling all the random "anybodies" who just want to get in my pants, or the stupid people who want to have superficial relationships with me. Instead, by being true to myself and strong about who I am, I've managed to attract the kinds of people who are willing to have intimate relationships with me and overstep all of that bullshit talk. They see and love me for who I am. I could care less about the extra 100-something people who may want to know me otherwise; they're too busy talking about me to see what they're missing, and what the fuck do I need anybody who unwittingly wants to be an ignorant sheep? They don't even KNOW ME, much less try. I'm so glad I don't have to waste my time with petty people caught in such a disgraceful web...they pity me and despise me for something that isn't true, but what I really see is that they pity and despise themselves--otherwise I wouldn't be the scapegoat for their own insecurities. Some might think that I'm cursed with this rumor, but I'm actually SO FUCKING BLESSED... I love it. Ha! I pity you all.
To be honest, it has enriched my life twenty-fold by removing all the scum that would otherwise be attracted. I love to see the shit pouring out of your mouths. It makes me look better than you. And I can say nothing and just laugh, because none of you really knows the TRUTH.
Apr. 17th, 2006 @ 01:58 pm
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| » Light Traps |
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Yes, my photography.
Apr. 6th, 2006 @ 05:36 pm
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| » When I was in Miami |
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I cruised in Ari's passenger seat. And now it's been empty for two weeks... :(
I'm thinking of cutting my hair. And getting side-sweeping bangs. Not sure.
Apr. 6th, 2006 @ 02:35 am
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| » Rides |
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I saw a post in a community with a picture of a girl sitting on a car.
Underneath the picture of the car and the girl read:
"this is my car tink. she's a 64 falcon.
that's not me. that's my other ride, katrina."
I couldn't help but laugh. Made me wish I could say the same...
If you want to see it for yourself...
Apr. 3rd, 2006 @ 04:21 am
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| » horribly sick |
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On Friday, I woke up extremely sick. My throat was killing me, I could barely talk, my body was exhausted, I could hardly move or walk, I had a tremendous fever, and I couldn't force myself awake until after 5pm. When I finally did wake up, my body was heated up, and for some reason my legs hurt. For the past few days, in fact, I've been entirely exhausted, unable to move, and hardly able to speak. Today I slept all day (until 6pm), and anytime I wanted to get water from the water fountain outside I'd have stop and sit for 5 to 10 minutes before standing up again. The smallest things, like putting on a sweater, further exhausted me. I don't know why I got sick, I'm sure it's because I gave blood the day before and it decreased my immunity system. Today I feel a little better; a friend of mine, Kate, slept over last night and took care of me (and I was BURNING UP), and today she helped me buy lots of soup, because the Cafe didn't have shit for a sick person with an aching throat... For some reason, EVERYONE could tell that I was horribly sick; maybe it was because my hair was disheveled (which is unusual for me), my face looked drained, and I was walking turtlishly slow wrapped in a blanket all day long (meaning meal times).
I think I'm getting a little better, but I miss my mom's Black Bean Vegetable Soup...sigh, it would make me feel ten times better at the moment.
Apr. 2nd, 2006 @ 09:19 pm
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| » What Do You Believe? |
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http://www.infowars.com
http://www.infowars.com/alexjones.html
http://www.infowars.com/pp_commentary.html
http://www.prisonplanet.com/
Uh-oh... if you go to the 3rd link called commentary, there are many links on this page that show up blank.[The Bush Crime Family: Three Generations of Treason; It is Unpatriotic to Condone the War in Iraq; An American Counterfeit of the Rise and Fall of Nazi Germany; Proof of the Banking Conspiracy; Mass Media Mind Manipulation and the World of Illusion](!!!!) Those were the only ones I could find missing...
I am suspicious of all media, ... if this isn't a webmaster's decision, do the people who control this site know those links (above) are missing?
Bombs in the Building: World Trade Center 'Conspiracy Theory' is a Conspiracy Fact
And what's up with this? http://www.infowars.com/print/Secret_societies/in_your_face.htm
Mar. 30th, 2006 @ 01:59 pm
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| » Re-energizing America; NRDC Report on Oil Dependency and Savings |
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Just wanted to share a report from the National Resources Defense Council on how America's oil dependency undercuts our economic strength, threatens our national security, and how the NRDC plans to achieve national oil savings of 2.5 million barrels per day by 2015. Look at the Table of Contents, especially at pg 19, 21, and 40. The report talks about saving oil and energy through a combination of "greater efficiency and switching to domestic, biomass-derived fuels and materials."
The National Resources Defense Council Report
Thanks,
Mari(bou)
And another site: Reenergize America.org
Mar. 29th, 2006 @ 02:39 am
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| » This is How a Madman in Sheep Clothing Tried To Seduce Me. |
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"Please, please, Maribou! I will be faithful to you, I promise! I swear, I am in love with you--please, please, I am serious. I will wait for you. Be the love of my life, I'll take you to India with me. I am so happy to see you, I took a cab all the way to see you tonight! Please, be my wife, I wanted to be yours the moment I saw you; no, it doesn't matter. I will wait! Maribou, let me kiss you, please. Please! Let me lick you. Maribou, Maribou, I am serious, I am serious, let me be yours, I promise I will take care of you, I won't hurt you, I love you!!!"
These, the frantic promises of an unfortunately deprived soul.
These, the hysterical proclamations of a desperate 24-year-old boy looking for a wife.
These, the absurd conclusions of a wild and passionate madman attempting to rip my clothes off and proclaiming his faith in Jesus Christ.
These, the outrageously insistent pleas asserted by an emotionally impoverished foreign stranger.
These, the sad reality of a fairytale dream.
These, the psychotic results of a friendly interaction.
These, the amusing avowals of a nice waiter I happened to give my number to--on the same night that I met him.
Yes, these were his real words.
Lesson Learned #1: Stick to Myspace!
( Other Lessons Learned? )
Ari's response: .................Run.
Or tell him you use to be a man.
Mar. 27th, 2006 @ 01:40 pm
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| » This is amazing. |
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You can be sure I will enroll for these classes soon or someday soon.
I am so fucking excited to do it; this is what I've been looking for to expand my knowledge, mastery, and addiction to learning the digital arts, multimedia, graphic design, web design, and business marketing design.
I'm determined to do this somehow, someway. Soon.
In total glee.
Mar. 23rd, 2006 @ 03:28 am
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| » Not My Words |
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Just now, as I sat down to this computer at the library, I found these words sitting on a word document, anonymously.
I like them:
"I assume what it means, I try to orchestrate encounters, yet I am constantly being told to just let it be. Non-effort, no struggle. This is what has been shown to me. My heart and my desires are split. Separate and complete. Even now, I am two-sided. I am searching outside of myself when I know that it is inside where the happiness comes from . And I am happy. I am very happy. "
Mar. 10th, 2006 @ 08:40 am
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| » Deep Conversations |
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I had another favorite meal at India House today (yay for buffet hour!) with another favorite person: Kate.
We had, of course, more amazing conversations about all kinds of topics: existentialism; self-actualization; humanism; The Art of Loving; authenticity; being held back by immature forms of love; selfishness vs. self-love; the Ex; Identity and the choices we make to reinforce our own self-images; moving and starting a new life, a new home, new (consciously-made) friends and decisions through independent means (i.e. college); what it means to be a Neo-Dater; our amazing 30-minute kiss from a few weeks ago; the possibility of loving multiple people whole-heartedly; love through freedom vs. coersion or social conditioning, expectations, etc.; ...boundaries and respect for them; possessional love; experiential decision-making and identity-molding; the idiographic discovery and search for meaning; the idea of making new experiences just to reject certain things, pick them apart, think about them, re-evaluate ourselves, and adopt some notions or behaviors towards or against those experiences simply for ourselves; the basis of religion on fear and social coercion; spirituality; appreciation of life and being open to it; creating our own values, judgements, and meanings; alcohol and drugs (and other things) as conscious choices of self exploration and experimentation vs. uninventive fillers of boredom; the power of imagination and creativity; the loss of creativity in American culture and how it affects community; ideas for future families and creative planning of games, meditations, and ideas; what Quality Time really is; not emphasizing tv; allowing kids to make their own choices but presenting healthy, creative, productive, and empowering lifestyles by personal example; the power, self-respect, and fulfillment we attain by challenging ourselves in order to have higher self-esteem, regardless of the outcomes; the consequences of diverting challenge and fear which then breeds helplessness, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, the feeling of victimization, and a passive attitude on life; how to turn outwardly-stimulated experiences into inwardly authentic experiences of will and decision (like dancing with no inhibitions, exploring sexuality without alcohol, being "free, open, and uninhibited" by self-motivation rather than by consumption-dependent means, etc.); theories of psychology and my love for it; theories of personality; why I want to learn more about psychology; what it means to be an active agent of life where we as people construct our reality than let reality construct us as if we were passive receptacles of life. Living deliberately. The idea that we are what we are becoming, and that a healthy person constantly strives towards an ideal self. Existential anxiety and omnipresent suffering. The power of attitude and mind. The idea that people can change and the possibility of change through conscious efforts gives us hope... because we aren't static states of being!
When we got back in the car, her Corgy dog was jumping wildly all over us and trying to devour my face.
Massage goodbye, strong hands, sweet appreciation. One of the best companies I will ever enjoy.
We should have a radio talk show one day. It would draw incredible audiences...
Mar. 9th, 2006 @ 03:33 pm
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